Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Box of Nothing

(conversation via text)

SPYDER: *indistinguishable photo*

ME: The picture was too dark. I couldn't see what it was. Can you tell me?


ME: A box of what?

SPYDER: Nothing

ME: Why did you send me a picture of a box of nothing?

SPYDER: I want it.

ME: You want a box of nothing?


ME: Um, okay?


At that point I decided to call.

ME: So tell me ... what did I really just agree to?

SPYDER: I want the box.

ME: The box of nothing.

SPYDER: Yes. Well, I want the box. Not really the nothing inside.

ME: Oh, I see. I was wondering what you would do with a box of nothing.

SPYDER: Well. Probably nothing.

Anyone else see that as a scene from an Absurdist play?


Saturday, April 18, 2009


My parents live in a very rural area of the south. Very. Rural. As a result, they have few neighbors. One of their neighbors is a man we'll call Ralph.

Ralph is the epitome of any redneck stereotype you've ever heard.

Homemade tattoos? Check. They're from prison too, so I suppose he gets double points for that.

Long scraggly hair? Check.

No shirt or shoes? Check. Sass called him The Naked Man for ages because -- hello, Ralph! -- you ought to wear a shirt!

Double wide trailer? Check.

Inappropriate flower pots? Check. Ralph has a toilet sitting on his front lawn with flowers planted in it. And he thinks it is gor-ge-ous. I should take a photo of that. He did that a couple of years ago, I think. His next door neighbor (not my mom) almost had a nervous breakdown over it. But there are all of 250 people in the whole town. It's not as if they have a homeowners association or anything. And my parents live in "rural [town]."

Aside: Imagine my shock when I went to vote the first time and the voter-checker-inner asked me if I lived in "urban [town]" or "rural [town]." My smart-assy 18-year-old self looked at her and said, "Have you looked around here? It's all rural." Apparently the definition of "rural" is whether you live on this side of the curve or the other. We're on the other side, so it's rural.


Anyway, back to Ralph. He is everything I listed and more, but I will say that he has been a good neighbor to my parents. He has helped them too many times to list, especially during my dad's severe health issues, and that is probably worth a toilet flower pot.

Ralph and his wife have taken to showing up at our family celebrations on occasion, and they were there for Easter. Our family is pretty big, so they just sort of mingle with the rest of the crowd. It's not out of the ordinary for non-family members to be there anyway, and we're a "the more the merrier" kind of bunch. It's not exactly a big deal to have two extra when you've already got 20 people, 3 dogs and a cat running around.

He often shows up at random times as well, like neighbors do. But now I'm thinking that Ralph might be getting a little too comfy around the house.

Ralph and his wife showed up around noon on Monday. My dad had just gotten back from the doctor. He has an upper respiratory infection, so he was feeling pretty crappy. Dad answered the door and Ralph said, "What have you got to eat for lunch?"

::double take::

Oh yes he did. Ralph came right on in and asked for lunch.

Dad said, "I am sick, so I am going to sit right here in this chair, but there's the kitchen." So Ralph and wife went right on into the kitchen and made lunch for themselves, getting all of the leftovers out of the fridge and heating them in the microwave. They (Ralph and wife) had a nice little lunch, put everything away, and left.

When my mom told me the story today, I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe and my children thought that I was bawling over bad news. It was that shocked and astonished sort of laugh that just gets bigger and bigger the more you think about it. We were both laughing so hard that we had to change the subject so that we could actually speak.

When I told the story to Skeeter later, he said, "It looks like they've got their own personal Kramer."

I think he might be right. That was reiterated when my mom told me that Ralph showed up later today and said, "That yard is gettin' kind of high. When are you gonna mow it?"

Call me on it if you want, but I think if you've got a toilet flower planter in your front yard, you can't really say much about anyone else's landscaping.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Oh, they are just SO FUNNY

My children have been all about April Fool's Day this year. They have been anticipating this day of sanctioned mischief for weeks. So just what did they do?

Spyder short-sheeted the bed.

Spyder taped a piece of paper over the track ball of the mouse.

Spyder put a fake "blue screen of death" on my computer.

Those were all quite good efforts, but the best one came from Sass. Well, it was her idea, and Spyder helped with the execution.

Sass (and Spyder) hid all of the soap in the house. All of it -- the shampoo, the body wash, the bar soap in the shower, the pump of hand soap on the sink. They even took the extras out of the linen closet so that I couldn't replace the missing ones.

I will admit that it was pretty effective. And funny. They are just too clever for their own good. Now I will have to get them back.


My peeps

Some of my favorite people are going through some hard times right now. Keep them in your prayers and/or thoughts.

Celtic Buffy



And woohoo! After I started writing, but before I posted, Vanessa posted an update that she has gotten good news from the doc.